Goalkeepers

Name | Senne Lammens
Position | Goalkeeper
Average Age | 23
Average Height | 6ft 6 centimetres
Favourite TV Detective | Morse
Whip | Jaguar Mark II (3.4 litre)
Celebrity Crush | Gloria Hunniford
Nationality | Belgian
Born in the small seaside town of Zottegem in Belgium, near France, Senne Lammen's initial introduction to football was an unfortunate affair. At the age of just seven years of age, Senne instinctively threw himself across the kitchen floor of his childhood home to save his mother's favourite vase from toppling from a misguidedly located planter. While Senne made the save with his already big left hand, his football instinct had instantly triggered, and it insisted that the vase should be thrown long to his father in the conservatory, for the purposes of a quick transition. Unfortunately, Senne's father, had come short for the vase to feet, meaning that it was left unprotected and at the mercy of gravitational interaction, which was playing on the opposition's right side. The vase smashed to small pieces on the recently tiled kitchen floor. This earned Senne a clip round the ear from Mother Lammens, but it would all prove useful just seventeen years later, when Senne would find himself being cursed again, this time by his teammate and hero, Thibaut Courtois. It's possible to watch the incident, the World Cup quarter final against Spain, and interpret Courtois as saying, 'Oh, Senne Lammens, it's just like when you where in your childhood home, in Zottegem in Belgium, near France, when at the age of just seven years of age, you destroyed your mother's favourite vase, just like you've now destroyed my World Cup dream.'
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Defenders

Name | Diogo Dalot
Position | Full back
Average Age | 27
Average Height | 183 centre-inches
Favourite TV Detective | Sgt. June Ackland
Whip | Vaxhall Astra 1.2
Celebrity Crush | Trudie Goodwin
Nationality | Portugeese
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Freshly returned from AC Milan in 2022, Diogo told his team mates that to reach his potential he needed to train harder and be stronger. Some of the team laughed at him, calling him a swot and Ole's Try Hard and other hurtful things. But Diogo ignored them. And while they were all launching doomed clothes brands, pointless NFTs and refusing to play in away games like normal footballers, Diogo was busy learning. He was learning about sleep optimization. He was learning about the benefits of compression garments. He was learning about cold-water immersion. And also about double testicle massage. By the end of the season it had paid off, he was a man transformed. His game had improved by a scientifically proven 18% across three different but very important and unnamed metrics. Buoyed by measurable change, Diogo decided to go all in. He took up yoga, he tidied up his previously unruly bush and decided that to become the ultimate version of himself he would never live under a roof again. True to his word, Diogo has lived outside ever since. You may catch a glimpse of him some evenings, asleep with his boots sticking out of the top of a hedge in Knutsford, or under some tarpaulin near a skip in Alderly Edge. The most recent sighting of Diogo, was late one evening in July, when he was seen fleeing from a badger sett in Boggart Hole Clough, pursued by a very annoyed boar and several members of its family which evidently did not want the versatile but wayward shooting United fullback crashing at their place.

Defenders

Name | Noussair Mazraoui
Position | Full back
Average Age | 29
Average Height | 6ft 0mtr
Favourite TV Detective | Wycliffe (Jean)
Whip | Toyota Aygo
Celebrity Crush | The JML Hurricane Spin Woman
Nationality | Moroccan
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Noussair is the most flexible member of the current United squad. Not only can he play full back, centre half, and defensive midfield, all with equal aplomb, but he can also do the full splits without crying or in anyway scuffing his gooch. But the pressure to be so accommodating has come at a cost. Privately, Noussair experienced chronic anxiety and low mood at the prospect of just not knowing which area of the pitch he would mainly be playing on in the next match. It might be that bit to the right, or the bit right next to the right bit. It could even be that bit over there on the left. The uncertainty was crippling. Noussair's psychological relief occurred when he was helping a neighbour move a wooden statue of a ceramic cow the size of a concrete sheep across a garden the size of a field near a meadow. In the corner of that garden Noussair spotted some crudely carved phalluses. The neighbour advised that he had whittled them for his wife that morning. While taking a dump. Noussair was mesmerized. He asked to try the whittling knife and carved out a remarkably accurate shaft, dorsal vein and all, at the first time of asking. It was the beginning of a hobby that would threaten to kill his football career. Within a month of his first whittle, Noussair had progressed to making wooden likenesses of Clayton Blackmore for every member of the first team. To a man they loved it and did not find it unusual in anyway whatsoever. A torrent of pine wooden shapes that looked quite like the thing they were meant to be then followed. These were always welcomed with a unified cheer from the first teamers. That was until the time he turned up for work one morning with a trailer hitched to the back of his Toyota full of wooden figures of Arthur Albiston, destined, Noussair revealed, for Man United's women's team. One source who spoke on the condition of anonymity to protect relationships, but who was happy to be identified as 'Big H', advised that it was then we knew it had gone too far. We'd all had our share of balsa fish and pine gnomes, but this was dangeous. It got so bad that on some evenings he wouldn't even join the rest of the lads online for a game of Fortnite because he was too busy in his new shed creating a terrifyingly veiny cock or vascular duck from basswood. The team were so concerned about the effect of whittling on Noussair that they aired their dismay with the United executives. The board acted immediately by sacking manager Ruben Amorim who it would turn out had nothing to do with it or any of the other players generally.

Defenders

Name | Noussair Mazraoui
Position | Full back
Average Age | 29
Average Height | 6ft 0mtr
Favourite TV Detective | Wycliffe (Jean)
Whip | Toyota Aygo
Celebrity Crush | The JML Hurricane Spin Woman
Nationality | Moroccan
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Noussair is possibly the most flexible member of the current United squad..